Moving Targets Are Hard to Hit
October 3, 2007 at 2:32 am | Posted in Children, Family, Home, Kids, Life, Parenting, Parents | Leave a commentParents, one of the nicest things you can possibly do to make your kids’ lives comfortable, actually has nothing to do with how much stuff you give them or how much TV they can watch or how much you let them snack – or anything like this.
What I’m talking about is keeping your behavior expectations consistent.
We need to know what to expect. We need to know what behavior targets you expect us to hit. But we also need those targets to stay put – to stay the same day in and day out. It drives us crazy if they keep moving around. We get discouraged fast if the rules and expectations keep changing.
If a certain behavior is barely noticed one day, and then seems like the crime of the century the next day, that makes life pretty tough and unpredictable for kids.
We kids may complain about our parents expectations, but bottom line, if these targets stay the same all the time, then we have a much better chance of being successful, don’t you think?
Got a question? Leave it as a comment here or email me at jg21things@bellsouth.net I’ll have an answer headed your way.
Money and Work
September 22, 2007 at 8:20 pm | Posted in Children, Family, Home, Kids, Life, Money, Parenting, Parents | 1 CommentHere’s a comment from a concerned parent:
“I give my kids money all the time, how come they never have any?”
Good comment. Why is it that some kids seem to spend their money so fast? Could it be that those kids don’t really understand what money is all about?
Truth is, most of us grow up thinking money magically appears from our parents’ pockets. And way too many of us think that the main point of money is to spend it as soon as possible at the nearest mall. What we don’t get is the connection between money and work.
But I think kids really need to realize that every time they sit down at the table to eat, or every time they put on their clothes, or every time they go to a movie or are given a gift, that somebody (parents, grandparents, friends) had to work to get the money to pay for those things.
How do us kids lock onto the connection between doing work and getting money? Well, I’ve written an brand new Special Report all about kids and money. It’s called “21 Money Magic Tricks For Kids”; and it gives kids of all ages the basic tools they need to understand money, to get money, to wisely use money. It will be available on my website before long.
Meanwhile, kids, let me give you a couple of freebies right now:
1) Ask your parents to talk to you about money. Have them tell you about their job, how much they get paid; how much they spend each month for food, for electricity, for the house payment and so on. Get ready to be surprised!
2) Ask if you can do some chores around the house for money. Not only will that help your family, but also it will help you make the connection between work and money. Trust me, if you have to work for it, money will stay in your pocket a lot longer when you go to the mall next time 
Got a question? Leave it as a comment here or email me at jg21things@bellsouth.net I’ll have an answer headed your way.
What I see, is what you get!
September 16, 2007 at 8:28 pm | Posted in Children, Family, Friends, Home, Kids, Life, Parenting, Parents | 1 CommentI’ve heard that saying, “Do what I say, not what I do” – but it just doesn’t fly when it comes to parents and kids. Long before we kids have a clue what our parents are saying to us, we are watching what you do, your facial expressions and body language, how you act in certain situations, and so on.
All parents want their kids to be polite and sweet and wonderful in every way all the time:) And we kids want you to be happy with us.
So it just figures that the easiest way to have kids who are polite and sweet and wonderful, is for the kids to grow up seeing their parents being like that. Parents who set a good example, are, well, setting a good example. Kids are copycats of whatever behavior they see while they’re growing up. Guess you could say: “what WE see, is what YOU get!”
May I suggest this, parents?
1) Over the next week or two, watch your kids’ behavior extra closely to see all the different ways your child mimics you. It will be enlightening, and probably humorous sometimes, too:)
2) Watch yourself, too. Are you doing what you want your kids to do? If you expect them to say “please”, are you? And what do you do when you goof up? Do you admit you made a mistake and say you’re sorry?
3) And don’t panic if you don’t like everything you see. Sometimes getting your kids’ behavior to change starts with your behavior changing.
We kids like to please you parents, but it sure is a lot easier when we can see you doing the same things you ask us to do. I should know – I’m a full-time kid
Got a question? Leave it as a comment here or email me at jg21things@bellsouth.net I’ll have an answer headed your way.
Saying: “I’m Sorry”
September 3, 2007 at 12:26 am | Posted in Children, Family, Kids, Life, Parenting, Parents | Leave a commentBeing honest and asking for forgiveness when you make a mistake is essential in any relationship, including the one we kids share with our parents. We kids all make mistakes and lots of em’ . The same is true for our parents, well they may not make quite as many, but they’re still human.
What do you do when you’ve made a mistake? Just follow my 3 step technique!
Step 1) Go to your parent (or your kid if your a parent) and tell them you’ve made a mistake
Step 2) Tell them what you wish you would have done
Step 3) Say “I’m sorry” and mean it
(Hugs may also be good at this point)
Its sounds simple but sometimes its not. A lot of people have trouble saying they’re sorry, I do sometimes. But when you do say “I’m sorry” after you’ve made a mistake, it really strengthens the relationship.
And I know that some parents sometimes may think that telling their kids they made a mistake, will make their kids think less of them. But I think it sets a good example and makes us kids respect you MORE.
Got a question? Leave it as a comment here or email me at jg21things@bellsouth.net I’ll have an answer headed your way.
No Yelling
August 21, 2007 at 12:39 am | Posted in Children, Family, Home, Kids, Life, Parenting, Parents | Leave a commentI hear from my readers a lot about parents yelling at their kids. Some parents say their kids won’t listen until they yell at them. The kids say they don’t like being yelled at. Who does?!
Hey, parents are human, too (no, wisecracks kids!!). They get stressed and frustrated; and speaking from experience, we kids might just sometimes do little innocent (ha ha) things that contribute to this.
And when it comes to kids listening, well that’s a skill that takes time to learn – I mean especially with all the different audio stuff that comes at us every day! I think it’s easier to just tune everything out than to try to listen to all of it. The bummer is that tuning out what our parents say is not a good option.
My Dad wrote a children’s book about listening. It’s called “Mickey McGuffin’s Ear”, and it’s all about a kid’s dilemma when he can’t remember what his mother told him to do. But that story is not just for kids – in fact the message may be more for grown ups! If you haven’t read it, you should zip over to Amazon.com and order a copy
No matter what, yelling isn’t cool – and I don’t think it’s necessary either. Here are some alternatives that might just help parents and kids both, if you’ll just give them a try.
1) When your feeling bad, let your kids know. Give them a fair warning that you’re stressed out or feeling impatient.
2) Also try taking a time out to relax. After a few minutes I bet you’ll feel a much more relaxed.
3) We kids need a time out sometimes, too. And remember, a time out doesn’t have to be a form of punishment – it can simply be a way for us to relax until our behavior catches up.
4) Take time to talk to each other. Find out how each other is feeling. Sure can help clear the air a lot of times, and is much better than yelling.
5) And if you do slip up and yell, be quick to say you’re sorry. It’s good medicine
When you put some of these things into action, you’ll be amazed at how smooth the communication can be between you and your parents – and without yelling. And after all, isn’t that what everybody wants?
Got a question? Leave it as a comment here or email me at jg21things@bellsouth.net I’ll have an answer headed your way.
Life Skills Checklist
August 7, 2007 at 4:08 pm | Posted in Children, Family, Home, Homework, Kids, Life, Parenting, Parents | Leave a comment“Life Skills Checklist” is a term I learned from my Dad. It means all the things he wants me to know about life – from putting on my own socks on to knowing how to be careful around strangers. No, it’s not really a list on paper (though it could be if that’s what a parent wanted to do). A Life Skills Checklist represents all the things a parent wants their child to know by the time they leave home. And,yes, I’m pretty sure every parent has one whether they call it this or not.
How to read; how to cross the street safely; how to be nice to siblings; how to brush my teeth; how to say please and thank you; how to go potty by myself; how to take my muddy shoes off at the door; how to tell the truth; how to eat right; and on and on and on. From little things to huge, a Life Skills Checklist represents everything that parents think their kids need to be successful in life.
When Dad says, “Good job! We can check that one off the list”, I know what he means is that I’ve been successful in a particular area – that I’ve learned what to do and how to do it, and in most cases also that I have remembered to do it without being reminded. It feels good when I hear him say this
My Dad’s goal is to have as many things from my Life Skills Checklist in place long before I turn 18. With the exception of driving and a few other things, there is no law that says kids have to be a certain age to master a certain life skill. If a kid is only 5 years old and knows how to look people in the eye and be polite, then they’ve got it! And who says an 8 year old can’t do the laundry, or a 10 year old start a business, or a 13 year old say “no” to drugs.
Every one of us kids is different. We learn different things in different ways at different times. And different parents will have different Life Skills that they want their kids to learn.
But when parents and kids are working together on this, the outcome can be awesome. That’s what a “Life Skills Checklist” is all about!
Secure boundaries = Secure Kids
August 3, 2007 at 5:06 pm | Posted in Children, Family, Home, Kids, Life, Parenting, Parents | Leave a commentI told you that today’s post was going to be about a “Life Skills Checklist”, BUT this comment from a parent came in, and it was just too important not to share with all of you.
“John, love what you’re doing here, especially the recent posts about ‘fences’… One of the hardest things for me is keeping those fences in place all the time … ”
Ya’ know, it’s not easy being a parent. Parents are human, you get stressed, you get tired, you get distracted, you make mistakes. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed – just means you need to adjust a little and keep right on going.
What the comment above is saying, is that it’s a challenge for a parent to always be patrolling those fences day in and day out. I think it’s really important to do that though. Kids are like cows – we’re gonna’ test those fences to see if they are really going to stop us. The psychologists tell us that when a child’s rules change from day to day, that that makes us feel even more insecure than if there were no rules at all. As a veteran kid I can vouch for this.
Fences make us feel good – they make us feel safe, even if we complain about them. If we know they are good, strong fences then we feel secure. If the fences fall down when we bump them, or if our parents move the fences around on us, we don’t feel secure. If the rule is I get grounded for two days if my room isn’t clean by Sunday afternoon, then that needs to be the rule all the time. If it’s not, this sends a confusing signal to me.
All kids need to know what’s OK and what’s not. And we need these rules to be consistent. Fences that move when we push on them, teach us to always be pushing on the fences – and that’s not what anybody wants.
So parents, for a few days watch yourself in this area. If you’re being real consistent in keeping the fences steady, give yourself a pat on the back. If you’re not, then start doing a better job right now, and still give yourself a pat on the back! No matter how good you’re doing, once in a while you’re bound to slip up – when that happens just talk to your kid, tell them you goofed up, then get that fence back in place and keep it there!
It’s a lot of work, but having secure, well behaved kids is worth it, right?
SECURE BOUNDARIES = SECURE KIDS
Got a question? Leave it as a comment here or email me at jg21things@bellsouth.net I’ll have an answer headed your way.
A Final Word On Boundaries
July 31, 2007 at 5:41 pm | Posted in Children, Family, Home, Kids, Life, Parenting, Parents | 1 Comment
Dear Parents:
I started this blog primarily to pass along info that will be helpful to your kids. But I’m all about great parent-child relationships, too, and you’ve noticed that the last couple of posts have been talking directly to you sometimes. This one will be the same
Boundaries, rules, limits, fences. They’re necessary and important in a child’s life. Last post I talked with you about these fences needing to flex as a child grows – to give them room to grow. But my big statement for the day (are you getting the fridge magnet read?!) is this: the fences don’t move just because a kid has more birthdays. They move only when a kid’s behavior shows he’s ready for them to move. Whether it’s a skill like making your own lunch, or a responsibility like doing homework on time or a behavior like being polite to siblings, the boundaries don’t change in a particular area until the kid grows up in that area. Extra privileges or more choice or more independence doesn’t come until earned.
On the other hand, I’ve seen parents limit kids just because they were this age or that age, when the kid already had the right stuff to handle more challenge or responsibility or independence.
Guess that’s the challenge of being a parent – treating your child as a total individual, and constantly being aware of moving those fences just as soon as he or she is ready for it. Glad you’ve got that job:))
Anyway, kids who are given more space when they show they are ready for it are usually the kids who are the most successful, the most happy, the most amazing!
Next post is going to be about what my Dad calls a “Life Skills Checklist”.
Until then… keep those comments and questions coming! Most I answer privately, but there will be some so big that I end up letting everybody see them.
Got a question? Leave it as a comment here or email me at jg21things@bellsouth.net I’ll have an answer headed your way.
Why Boundaries Have To Be Movable
July 23, 2007 at 4:22 pm | Posted in Children, Family, Home, Kids, Life, Parenting, Parents | Leave a commentIn my last post, “Why Kids Need Rules”, I mentioned that I like to use the word “boundaries” instead of saying “rules”. Point is, parents set boundaries for us kids because they love us. These boundaries are like fences: they limit where we can go, but they also protect us from what’s on the other side.
Remember my babygate at the stairway example? Aunt Julie is using one right now for her youngest. It’s a good thing – for awhile. But later when that baby isn’t a baby anymore, and can walk up and down the stairs safely, there’s no need to have the babygate. Ditto for the fences you parents put up for us kids: they have to move and change as we grow.
Examples! During my recent vacation, I discovered that Aunt Courtney keeps the candy in a high up cabinet so her wild bunch won’t get even wilder. But the older kids (like me:), who can control their sugary impulses (something many people never master:), can get candy when they want it. Cousin Jerred is getting to the point where he can stay up later and not be a screaming grouch the next morning, so he’s getting more control over his schedule. BTW, I don’t know if 17 year old cousin Brad will ever get to stay up late! (just kidding, B:)
Fences have to be movable. If parents don’t stay with this, they are limiting their kids’ growth – and probably frustrating them, too. As a kid grows in skill or responsibility, the fences need to grow with him.
Parents, do a quick look around to see if you’ve got any “babygates” that need to be moved out of the way.
Got a question? Leave it as a comment here or email me at jg21things@bellsouth.net I’ll have an answer headed your way.
Why Kids Need Rules
June 25, 2007 at 3:19 pm | Posted in Children, Family, Home, Homework, Kids, Life, Parenting, Parents | Leave a commentHere’s a question from one of my readers:
“John Gabriel, my parents have so many rules. Why do I have to have rules? I think I would do better if they just let me try doing things my own way.” BH, Nashville, TN
Well, BH, and all my other readers, let me spin your brain with this. We kids need rules. Rules are what keeps our lives from coming unglued. Now before you bounce our friendship out the window, keep reading, and you’ll see what I mean.
The word ‘rules’ sounds so negative, so I use the word ‘boundaries’. It just feels better to me. Think of a fence. Fences feel like they hold us in. But they also protect us from what’s outside the fence. Picture a little baby crawling around at the top of some stairs. If one of those babygates wasn’t there, serious hurt would come when the child went rolling down the stairs.
Yeah, you’re not a little baby, and your parents don’t put babygates at the top of the stairs for you anymore. But there are other kinds of fences that they do use that help protect you from other things. When they limit how much sugary stuff you eat, that’s for your own good, so your body stays healthy. When you have to be nice to your siblings, that’s because your parents want you to grow up knowing how to be nice to everybody. When homework comes before TV, that helps you learn to set priorities in your life.
Here’s the rock: boundaries are good for you. They keep your life moving the right direction. They help you learn the stuff you need to learn about, without falling down the stairs over and over again. So be happy your parents care enough to set up boundaries for you – they’re a good thing.
There’s more to say about this subject, so read the next couple of posts for sure!
Got a question? Leave it as a comment here or email me at jg21things@bellsouth.net I’ll have an answer headed your way.
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